| I don't wanna be around when it all comes down to watch something beautiful die. |
[* Sat * 19 Mar 2005 * 1:10pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cauterize - Something Beautiful |
] |
Amy comes up and wraps her arms around me. I think it's weird that I'm the little spoon to Amy. She doesn't seem to mind.
And I don't think, 'Today will be the best day I can ever remember, Amy.'
We sit on a swing together and it's so typical Spring. But it's nice. The girl with the kite on the hill. The family of eleven ducks. The one lone cloud in the sky. The quiet. It's all nice.
And Amy says, "They're going to come and ruin everything."
And sure enough, we hear a scream, and some laughs.
For whatever reason, I think about when little kids' bedtimes come, they all say, "Aw, five more minutes."
And I say, "Kayla, are you feeling very puke green today? I think you're feeling very puke green today."
We lay under our one green tree, and Amy says, "I may drool on your arm because I can't breathe through my nose."
I put my face into the grass and I whisper, "Aw, five more minutes," as everyone comes screaming down from the hill.
I feel Amy's drool on my arm, and I don't mind.
I say, "It's weird, because it was all cold and rainy all this week. But today it's like the rain and the cold and the wind and everything all just stopped, just for this one day, just for us. And it's perfect."
It was one of those perfect days where a sweater would be nice but you don't really need it. Where the sun and the moon both shine visibly together all day. Where there's only one cloud in the sky, and you can find shapes in it.
And I say, "Doesn't that cloud look like a heart?"
And Kayla says, "Yeah... like it's breaking."
And I think, 'Kayla, are you feeling very blue today? I think you're feeling very blue today.'
Megan wraps her arms around me and says, "You're lucky to get a hug from me."
Sarah wraps her arms around Kayla and says, "I love you, Kayla."
And Kayla doesn't say anything.
And I wonder why people are so afraid to say the things they mean.
Sarah wraps her arms around me and says, "I love you."
I say, "I love you."
And I hear my brother say, "Why do you mumble everything?! Why do you even talk?!"
And I wish everyone wasn't so loud. Everyone would hear everything I mean if they weren't so loud.
Amy wraps her arms around me again, this time nobody is a spoon. And I think, 'Kayla, are you feeling very pinkish-red today? I think you're feeling very pinkish-red today.'
Amy doesn't seem to mind when I whisper, "Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember."
|
|
| And this feels so far from real. I'm lost and I love it. |
[* Thu * 17 Mar 2005 * 7:41pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Still Breathing - Cauterize |
] |
So there I am, I can feel my half of me and Dana's necklaces floating up and I think about how our box didn't float in science.
And I'd said, "Mine would've floated, I know it. Buy they stole my box. They stole it and they laughed at me."
And Kendra and Mr.Gregory were still at my table, with my box, measuring sides, and glancing up to laugh at me.
I'd looked Mr.Daniels and I'd said, "Tell them to stop laughing at me."
And he'd said, "You're crazy."
Now, I see myself looking at Dana with a green screen behind her, and out loud I say, "Tell them to stop laughing at me."
And Dana isn't listening.
I choke on those words and I come up for air, gasping. Water is up my nose and I laugh. My mom is at the door saying, "Katelyn, are you okay?"
And I say, "Yeah."
I'm okay. And it's nice.
I wash the soap bubbles from my face and I think about how Sarah says I remind her of a bubble.
With the radio, I sing, "It's cold where you're going, I hope that you're heart's always warm." And I take a handful of bubbles as she did and I blow upward.
They float down around me and the backup girl in the radio echoes, "Hope that you're heart's always warm."
I wish I was the backup girl in the radio.
So there I am, with the bubbles falling all around me, and I hear Melanie say, "Look! It's snowing!"
And we laugh, hard. And we blow more bubbles, I mean snow, upward.
I sit on my knees, put my face underwater and sing, "I gave you the best, I gave to the best that I had!"
I come up with my hair hanging in my face. I flip it over to the back so a roll of hair is above my forehead.
And Melanie says, "George Washington hair!" And we laugh.
And the radio says, "You passed on the letters and passed on the best that I had!"
I take another handful of bubbles and I almost blow them, but instead, I push it onto my face and say, "Santa Claus beard!" And we laugh.
I knock the yellow, plastic duck into the water and say, "Kwaks!"
We didn't know how to spell 'quacks'.
Then I see my dad, in the window pointing down and lipping, "Put the ducks down!"
And Ben and I say, "No!" and we run with Quacks and Skipper in our arms. And we laugh.
So there I am, with my George Washington -do, my Santa stumasch, and Kwaks.
And I'm okay. And it's nice.
I stand up to let the water slide off of me and say, "Look, Mel, I'm a waterfall!"
And she says, "Aw, you're so pretty, you waterfall!"
And we laugh, pull the plug, and sing, "Don't go chasin' waterfalls!"
So there I am, watching the bath drain, and I think about why I say I'm draining away the monsters.
And I think, 'I know exactly what I'll say in my livejournal. I'll tell everyone that when you get in the bath, you wash away everything, good and bad. And sometimes good monsters are as awful as the bad ones. I'll say that I don't want to miss anything anymore. So I take baths. And in the baths I live like I want to and remember all I'm feeling like. And I drain them away, so in the world that isn't underwater I don't have to miss anything. And it's nice.'
With the monsters being drained, I blow out the candles, and the man in the radio, the backup girl, and I all sing, "So long sweet summer."
So there I am, walking out of the bathroom in a blue and white towel. And it's awful nice that I catch 11:11.
And I whisper, "I wish that Cassie would dance, because I'm glad it's her birthday tomorrow." And I kiss my left pinky. It's blue.
And I hum, "Take a cha-cha-cha-chance, birthday. I would like you to dance, birthday."
So there I am, and I'm okay. And it's nice. And I'm glad tomorrow is St.Patrick's Day and Cassie's birthday. I'm glad that I'll wear green and Cassie will touch my shirt, say "Green!", and clap and smile. And I'll think, "Happy birthday." And I'm glad she'll smile.
I'm glad that the next time I'll catch 11:11, we'll be in the middle of a giant yamacha. And I won't get the chance to say anything until three minutes later, and I'll say, "It's 11:14." And everyone will look up.
I'm glad I'll look up at the ceiling, and so will Amy. And we'll be alone for quite some time, arm in arm, smiling.
I'm glad Sarah and I will walk across the big orange circle outside that tastes like Robotussin, and we'll announce, "Mary Chang to Hawaii please!" I'm glad her box will pop up and say, "I had fun with you today."
I'm glad I will wake up tomorrow any Nancy will ask, "If you were already awake, then what the hell were you doing instead of getting up?"
And I'll say, "Enjoying the rain on a Thursday morning."
So there I am, climbing into bed. And with my knees on my pillows and my hands on my window sill, I can see the light that is alaways red down the street, and I say, "Dear Rainy Streets, you look smashing tonight."
And I'm okay. And it's nice.
|
|
| Can we take a ride? Get out of this place while we still have time. |
[* Wed * 16 Mar 2005 * 7:33pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Good News - Something Corporate |
] |
Kayla and I stand at our locker and I say, "I think about the last day of school a lot too."
She says that she does too and I click the lock shut.
Walking to my next class, in a way, I was glad nobody but me was around. It was quiet. Quiet is nice.
I'm thinking about one day when Kayla said, "I wish I had brown shoes."
And I lipped, "I wish you had everything."
And she didn't seem to notice.
I'm thinking about when Mary's IM box popped up on my screen and I read, "I need you to know that you're one of the most tangible people in my life."
I start to type something but I decide not to spit on her words. Instead I just whisper, "I've wanted to be good news."
And she doesn't seem to notice.
In my next class, Nahum shoves a sheet of newspaper in his mouth and mumbles, "Leth see how lhong I cahn kheep it therr." He's wearing my white bracelet and he laughs. Hard. With his mouth stuffed and his eyes shining in the lights. And for a second, he's beautiful.
I think about Megan at lunch looking at me with inquiring eyes, and now wherever she is I'm convinced she can hear me answer, "Ten, Megan. Nahum's a ten."
And he doesn't doesn't seem to notice.
Amy walks backward in front of me and holds my hands. I kind of like to think we're dancing as the raindrops fall on our faces. She takes my left hand and writes, "El Niño is Amy's star."
She walks away and I sing, "The best deejays are saving the slowest song for last."
And she doesn't seem to notice.
I pull the tiny, square note that Dana gave me out of my pocket and I read, "My castles are falling."
And when Dana walks through the green door to building eight, I sing, "But I can't look into the street without everything changing."
And she doesn't seem to notice.
Sarah sits under a lifeless tree and her eyes seem more blue under the rain. The popsicle stains her tongue purple and she says, "Sit with me."
I put a piece of candy on my tongue, look up to wonder what made the sky so sad, and I lip, "I hope static prevails."
And she doesn't seem to notice.
We're all there for our good grades, standing under a dead tree in the rain with purple and green tongues. I start to think about how perfect it is, and Sarah says, "Look at Megan deep-throat that thing!"
And it doesn't matter that the moment was spat on and isn't beautiful anymore. Because we're all smiling. Real smiles. And it's still perfect.
I sing, "When I get home tonight, I'll miss them, in high school, Yeah!"
And no one seems to notice.
And it's nice.
|
|
| The beautiful people. |
[* Tue * 15 Mar 2005 * 6:32pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Work - Jimmy Eat World |
] |
The window is down in the car and I wish for the thousandth time that my hair didn't blow in the wind all the time. It makes me feel ridiculous.
My mom hands me a pocketful of nickels and dimes and we sing with the radio: "Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey."
I step out of the car and check my watch, I'm late. I start to flop away in Megan's shoes and my mom says, "Wait! You forgot to tell me you love me."
I say, "I love you."
And she says, "You look beautiful today."
And I smile and flop away.
Megan says, "I like your shirt. And your bracelets. And your shoes! My shoes."
Sitting in second period, I wonder about the star on my ankle. Sarah is to my left and I wonder if when she puts on eyeliner in the morning, if she says, "I look beautiful today."
I wonder the same about Mary.
And Keely.
And Amy. I say to her, "So, what are you? The girl with the... eyeliner shit stuff?"
And I wonder the same about Dana as I did about Sarah.
I step away from my locker and say, "Hi."
And Dana sniffles.
Keely is walking with her arm around Dana and she's telling us what's wrong. Her eyeliner stains her yellow sweater sleeve black and I wonder if tonight will just be another night when she falls asleep on a tear-soaked pillow. I really hope not.
I don't know if she's beautiful because her make-up is gone, or because it's raining, or because she's crying. But she's beautiful.
Later, I see Dana walking to science and I say, "I like your shoes."
I sit at her desk, notice the red in her shirt, and think, 'I'm really glad to have you here with me at the table. You remind me of a rose--An absolute rose.'
We sit at our station and I say, "We got Eggos yesterday. Real Eggos."
And she says, "Yay!" And she smiles. And so do I. And we don't stop. And I think they're real smiles. And it's nice.
I don't know if she's beautiful because her make-up is gone, or because it's raining, or because she's laughing. But she's beautiful.
Walking in the rain, I put a pink flower behind my ear and say, "Do I look amazing?"
And Kayla's lips say, "Yeah."
I lay on Kayla's stomach, put the flower behind her ear, and say, "You look amazing."
She looked amazing.
I walk in my door and Ben says, "How was your day?"
And for the first time, I say, "Not bad, actually."
He says, "You look nice today."
His hair is brushed back and his shirt is black and sharp. And I say, "You look nice today too."
I kick Nancy and she says, "Don't kick people, Pretty-In-Your-Pink-Shirt."
I take the pink flower out from behind my ear, put it on my dresser, and I think about how Dana reminded me of an absolute rose.
And I whisper, "People should tell Dana she looks amazing."
And I whisper, "Dana looked amazing today."
|
|
| See the young man sitting in the old man's bar, waiting for his turn to die. |
[* Mon * 14 Mar 2005 * 5:52pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Goo Goo Dolls - Broadway |
] |
Right then, the radiation burns at my retinae and I can't remember the last time I saw someones mood say, "Okay".
Somewhere in my head Amara says, "I never wanted to be little, and now I never want to be."
Amara always reminds me of when I was little and I'd say, "Laser blades."
And I'd say, "Otay."
Kayla's info reads, "Death may be the greatest of all human blessings."
It sounds pessimistic.
It's in my favorite color.
It's true.
"It's stupid. Because you never ever want to be young. But then you're older, and everything sucks."
"You know what I'm thinking."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. And, right now, it doesn't matter that you know."
"How do I know?"
"You just do."
"Is it something that you've never really throughly discussed with someone?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Does it apply to you?"
"Yeah."
"Me?"
"...Yes."
"Ok. I think I really do know. But I'm not sure."
"Just rest at the fact that you do."
"Okay."
She was right. It didn't matter that I knew.
And my mood says, "Okay."
|
|
| Show me some of them Spanish dances. |
[* Sun * 13 Mar 2005 * 3:21pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Counting Crows - Accidentally In Love |
] |
I woke up today to a sound I felt like I hadn't heard in a terrible forever. Well I mean, a sonance, right Sarah? It was the same faint Spanish music across the street I'd heard Summer after Summer. It was that song that Stephanie would sing to us in chorus and remind us that we'd never be the best. Ever.
But this morning, listening to that song, actually listening, not just hearing it, being the best just didn't matter. The Spanish music didn't bother me. The sun creeping through the blinds didn't bother me. Waking up didn't bother me. Being alone didn't bother me.
I didn't remember the last time I showered, or ate, or spoke. And I wasn't bothered by it.
Nothing bothered me.
Nothing mattered.
Later, I'd type, "You're weird." And she'd say, "So? You're el niño."
I'd pause and say, "Whatever you say."
And she'd smile. And so would I. And I'd mean it. And it'd be nice.
But this morning, I did something crazy: I opened my blinds. And I thought, "That orange there, that used to be my favorite color. I don't really know why gray is my favorite color now. But it is."
And I thought, "Maybe I'm sick of artificial lighting. Maybe I'll never turn on another light again. I'll actually know what the sun looks like during the day. I'll live by candles by evening and glow sticks by night. I'll never sleep, I'll never even close my eyes. I'll dance when it rains and hang like a star. And I'll sing Counting Crows all day. And nothing will matter."
All alone, I jump on my bed. My hair is in my face and the sun is in my eyes. I'm waking up for the very first time.
And I sing, "Sha la la la la la yeah!"
|
|
| You would say anything, you would try anything, to escape |
[* Sat * 12 Mar 2005 * 5:14pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 surprised |
] |
I wish everyone would get over the notion that everything I do comes in phases. Maybe it's just the way I am. Imagine that.
Sarah said I wasn't going to be quiet again yesterday. Maybe the day before yesterday I was just sad. When I'm happy I feel different and I say half the shit I want to say. Yesterday, I wasn't happy. And I didn't say anything.
Imagine I'm still in third period, and it's still yesterday.
To my right, a girl passes a note to the girl in the desk in front of her. I read, "Look at the girl to your left's pants. Aren't they ridiculous?"
And I don't say, "I have a name."
The second girl starts to write, "Haha, punk kids..."
I stop reading.
And I don't say, "Shut up."
The second girl says, "Pst" and she winks at me. And I don't say anything.
I look at Dana and she's watching us, laughing.
I look at my desk and I, for certain, am not laughing.
Mr.Mims takes their note and throws it away. I almost smile.
The first girl passes me a note that says, "What's wrong? You don't like me? I think you're cool!"
And I don't say, "Leave me alone."
Now she's writing a bathroom pass and she purposely makes it "slip" out of her hands, and she says, "Oh, where is my mind today?!" And she laughs.
And I don't say, "I hate you."
She walks away, pulling up her pants. And then Sarah is next to me, and she says, "Look how big her butt is." And I smile. Once.
I blink once, twice, thrice, and Sarah is gone.
I see my reflection in my watch. It's Kayla's birthday. 12:21.
Kayla used to wonder how she drove everyone away. She'd ask me over the phone, "How?"
She did it the same way everyone else does it.
I'd lock my door and say, "Your ugly attitude."
If she wanted me to lie, that's all she had to say.
Looking at my reflection in my watch still, I don't notice I'm crying until my eyeliner stains my sleeve black.
And I don't say, "Girl number 1, where is my mind?"
I'd want to say the same thing the next time that it was Kayla's birthday. It'd be 12:21 am and I'd say, "Everything's all... mixed up."
And when I woke up this morning, I didn't say, "I think today my brothers will put their hands over their eyes, ears, and mouths and say, 'See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.'"
And when I got out of bed this morning, I didn't say, "I think today is the day when my brothers will say, 'Wanna try?'"
And I didn't say, "I think today is the day when everything will change."
|
|
| It's only in your dreams, But it felt like it was real. |
[* Thu * 10 Mar 2005 * 6:24pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Black Star - Radiohead |
] |
So, here are the details about that girl they call Kathleen, or Kayla, or Katie... whatever her name is.
Her hair smells like baby shampoo and it makes her cry. Soap bubbles pop in her ears and sting the palms of her hands.
She wore a scarf today and she's used to only being noticed when she doesn't care to be. She's used to only being listened to when she has nothing to say. She's used to the exact second after everyone asks "What's wrong?" being the very first second that something is.
She's underwater and the radio says, "So, let me slip away!"
This time she remembers, and she screaming, and the speech bubbles talk for her and say, "So let me slip... against the current."
And she wonders where Mary is. And if her palms sting. And if bubbles are popping in her ears. And what her hair smells like.
And she's still screaming.
Then, she thinks she hears a train. And she sees Mary, hands over her ears.
Soap bubbles.
She's in the backseat and they cross the train tracks.
Before they know it, they're in the building down the street. Dashboard is on stage singing the saddest songs. And she's dancing arm in arm with this Mary girl. And she's happy. And it's nice.
Once again, she's looking at the ceiling, so high. Then around the building, everyone is singing, everyone is a star.
Crying, cold, and clapping stars.
She wants to take every brilliant head and wedge it in the ceiling that's found a thousand miles up. Where they belong. Stars belong in the sky.
And up in the sky, they're all real. This girl, too, she's real.
She's happy.
She's a star.
And either Amara or the radio starts to say, "Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember," and the star girl sits up from the water, gasps for air, and wonders if she died.
She has a name, but no one knows it. She just died, but no one knows it.
Her face is wet and cold. She wonders if she cried.
And out loud she says, "I wish the happiest parts of my life weren't mere hallucinations."
And this time, she know's for sure she's crying. Dying.
And out loud she says, "When people say 'pathetic', I wonder if they know they're talking about me."
She drains the monsters from the bathtub and lays on the carpet in rags.
She wonders what the faces in the ceiling have to say about it. One set of eyes in the ceiling say, "You've always been a star."
And the star girl notices her shape. She laying flat on the floor, with her arms, legs, and head reaching out as far as they can.
And the set of eyes were right, she was a star. A shining, brilliant decagon in a colorless sky.
She thought, "Since I'm a star, maybe tomorrow I'll hug someone, or kiss someone, or dance with them. I don't know yet. But tomorrow, I know for sure I'll stop wasting my time swimming and I'll start to learn to fly."
Once she was wondering, if there are so many stars, how can any of them be special? But today, she sat across the table from a star. It wasn't that he was pretty, or that she liked his voice, or clothes, or hair, or eyes. But he was a star, and the star girl knew it. Maybe he was a star because he was real. Because when she blinked once, twice, thrice, he was still there, his eyes on hers. And when she saw him, really saw him, not just looked at him, she wanted to jump across the table and kiss him. But she didn't, and she didn't know why.
Right now, her computer password is "password" and she can feel everyone behind their computer screens wishing they notice things the way she does.
Still on the floor, She can't tell if Amy or Chris Carrabba is on guitar inside the radio, but either way, it's beautiful.
It's Amy.
And Amy says something the star girl wished she knew when she was in the bathtub:
"Remember to breathe and everything will be okay."
And this time, she knows she's dying.
|
|
| Going off when there's nothing wrong. |
[* Wed * 9 Mar 2005 * 5:45pm *] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Call It In The Air - Jimmy Eat World |
] |
"Petrie The Pleasant Piranha"
By Benjamin Albright
Petrie the pleasant piranha was misunderstood by all the other fish in the sea. He was like no other.
Petrie the pleasant piranha was made fun of for his dorky glasses and ugly braces.
"Look at those ugly glasses and braces."
Petrie was a good hearted fish. He never did anything to harm another fish and was a vegetarian. But all fish have their instincts and point of losing their minds. And one day...
He snapped.
And he ate the entire school of goldfish.
He was very sad and felt really bad. But he realized how good fish tasted.
"MMMMMM."
He went from school of fish to school of fish eating all he could catch until he was full.
"I'm full."
After he was full he felt extremely sad and asked everyone to forgive him. They all forgave him immediately.
"I'm sorry."
"It's ok."
And they all lived happily ever after...
except for the dead ones.
And the other fish never made fun of Petrie the Pleasant Piranha again.
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